Being
by Psithurism
Summary: Chandler's a lot of things, some not so good things, but brave has never been one of them. AU after 5x01.
1. Being Scared

Being Brave

Author's Note: So I have been completely stuck on my other fanfic, like stuck for months stuck. So I wanted to write something else so that I wasn't just going over and over the same plot bunny for ages, which is super frustrating. Also, I wanted to focus on my Friends OTP! This takes place in episode 5x01 and goes off in an entirely different direction from there. I absolutely adore this episode and the narrative structure of Chandler and Monica's relationship (exactly a year ago in 4x01, Monica was telling Chandler they would never happen. Look at you two now!) but I also always loved the idea of what might have happened if they left it at London. So please review and I promise the next chapter will be longer, this is just the set up.

* * *

'For once in your pathetic life, stop being _such _a coward.'

Chandler stared at the brass number 20 as he mentally berated himself. He practically buzzed with nervous energy, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet as he tried to psych himself up. 'Go back in there,' his mind screamed at him. 'Go back in there and say something, anything. Tell her that that night meant a lot to you for so many more reasons than _because you're really hot_. That night meant so much to you because she's _Monica_ and you're Chandler and you still aren't entirely convinced this isn't some elaborate prank. It meant something to you because she's your best friend and even before last night he cared for her more than he cared for most people. Tell her it meant the world to you because you've been half in love with her since college and you never in your wildest dreams (okay, maybe in your _wildest_) thought this could happen.'

But of course that's the whole problem. Cause she's _Monica_ and he's _Chandler_. And how great this thing could be is inversely proportionate to how completely, disastrously it could turn out. Was he really brave enough to make that gamble?

Chandler felt the energy dissipate from his body as his shoulders slumped and his feet slowed. He let out a low groan of frustration and he ran his fingers roughly through his hair, tugging slightly on the strands, relishing the pain. He turned away from the door and stepped solemnly towards its opposite. Now facing his own door, Chandler began gently banging his head against the number 19 in utter agony.

Of course he wasn't brave enough. He's never been.

xxx

Monica stared at the purple door, willing it to open. But the door remained closed and slowly she reconciled herself that fact. Turning, she looked down at the bags lying at her feet. Letting out a sigh of resignation, Monica decided to leave the suitcases for now and unpack later. She was suddenly tired and the desire to take a nap overwhelmed her. She yawned as she headed to her room and justified the uncharacteristic display of laziness, thinking, 'I'm probably still on London time.'


	2. Being Fine

Title: Being  
Chapter: Being Fine

AN: This chapter has been an ordeal; I've been trying to finish this one for weeks but it's more than double the word count of the first chapter so I call that a win. I took some liberties with the timing between episode 5x01 and 5x02, cause the show is pretty vague about it as well. I decided that Rachel being stuck in Greece for three days seems reasonable based on my own personal experience with international flights (I had a friend who was stuck in London for four days when she missed her initial flight home, so that's my basis). Please enjoy and review!

* * *

"Chandler! Chandler, open the door! You better open the door or I'll tell Monica!"

Chandler's eyes wrenched open at his roommate's words and, before Joey could utter another word, he was out of bed and slamming open the door.

"What-wha-Tell Monica what?" Chandler didn't even bother trying to pretend he was at ease as he gripped the handle of his door so tightly that his knuckles turned white.

Joey's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Oh I don't know, how about the fact that you haven't left your room for almost three days now?" He took in Chandler's disheveled appearance as he mentally took stock of his friend's state, eyebrows rising in surprise. "And are those sweatpants?" He gestured towards the dark green sweatpants that Chandler had donned the second he had made it to his room three days ago.

Chandler felt his ears warm under Joey's confused gaze. "They're comfortable man! Is that a crime?!" Maybe if he shouted loud enough, he could distract Joey from the truth. The truth of course being that he was suffering from a minor case of heartbreak and the doctor (the doctor being himself) had prescribed a steady dosage of moping and sweatpants, along with a self induced quarantine.

"No," Joey shot back, clearly not buying Chandler's excuse. "But they are a bit suspicious when they include you moping in your room." 'Damn,' Chandler thought to himself, 'he is obviously onto me.'

"Still not a crime!" Chandler's morbid curiosity couldn't be held back as he continued, "And why would you want to tell Monica about all this?" Paranoia niggled like a worm in the back of his mind. Had Monica confided in Joey about London, did he know about them having sex, had he guessed that they had slept together and further deduced that that must be the reason for his sudden descent into the sweatpants phase? Or was he giving Joey too much credit.

"Cause Monica is scary!" Joey cried simply.

Definitely giving him too much credit.

"If anyone could get you out of your room it would be Monica," Joey told his friend as if his words were fact and Chandler felt his nervousness dissipate only to be quickly replaced by an overwhelming rush of bitterness.

"Yeah," he muttered, more to himself than Joey. "Of course you would think that."

Joey shook his head. "Dude, what's wrong with you?"

Chandler sighed; he really wasn't up to telling Joey about London yet. He wasn't sure he ever would be. That whole night still felt a bit like a dream and if he told anyone about it that dream would turn into cold, harsh reality. And the reality that he and Monica were never going to happen hurt way more than he could handle right now. "Nothing man; just really jetlagged. I am fine, honestly." He put on his best "fine" face as he mentally begged Joey to drop it.

His friend considered him for a moment. "Alright," he said after a moment, despite not looking convinced at all. "Well, since you are fine you can get dressed and come and wait for Rachel over at Monica's. Her flight should be getting in soon."

A steady pounding started in Chandler's head at the thought of seeing Monica. "Sure," he answered in what he hoped was a completely normal voice. "Just give me a few minutes and I'll meet you over there."

"Okay," Joey said, sounding relieved. "But if you aren't over there soon I'm coming back here and dragging you out of your room."

"Course," Chandler replied as he turned to reenter his bedroom, lightly closing the top half of his door behind him. Yet, instead of getting dressed, all he could muster the energy for was falling face first into his bed and letting out a low groan of frustration. He didn't want to see Monica, not yet. Chandler knew he couldn't avoid her forever, he wouldn't even want to, but it was still too soon and he still felt too weird.

He needed more time to forget about that whole night, forget about the way she smelled and felt and sounded. He needed to forget the breathy way her voice sounded when his fingers traced the graceful line of her spine. The way her hair tangled in his fingers and brushed over his cheeks when she leaned down to kiss him. And he definitely needed to forget the stupid way he felt when he watched her sleep as the early morning light filtered in through the windows, casting soft shadows across her stupid beautiful face. And once he did, once he forgot every little thing, he could be her friend Chandler again. Just her friend.

He groaned. This was so not going to be fun.

xxx

'This is some pretty serious déjà vu.'

Chandler stared at the number 20 of the apartment door willing himself to go inside. Again. This time though the only thing waiting for him on the other side would be his friends, maybe some food, and definitely some awkwardness. Not massively tempting.

"What are you doing?"

He jumped, startled at the sudden voice, and spun around to see a very pregnant Phoebe staring at him. "Ummm, nothing," he stammered. "Just gonna go grab some food at Mon's." He hoped desperately that Phoebe's "psychic" abilities were still on the fritz.

"But why are you just standing here?"

Chandler's heart dropped as he realized he literally had no good explanation for why he was standing in front of Monica's door. "I-uh-I was uhhh…uh."

"Oh God," Phoebe said suddenly, her hand going to her mouth. "I know exactly why you are standing here."

His eyes widened comically. "You, uh, do? You do?" 'Oh God, oh God, oh God,' his brain screamed.

"You are practicing your jokes!" Phoebe pointed at him and bounced as best as a pregnant woman could bounce. "Do you do this all the time? Wait outside while you prepare your whole 'routine'?" She lifted up her fingers to make violent air quotes.

"What?" Chandler felt mildly insulted that Phoebe would think he needed to practice his naturally witty jokes but that passed as he realized he was given an easy out. "I mean, yes," he amended. "Yeah, sometimes I like to come prepared."

"I knew it." Phoebe sounded quite proud of herself and her smile was wide as she took in her friend. "But don't worry," she continued with a sly grin. "I'll keep your secret."

Chandler couldn't help the sarcasm in his tone as he gave her a tight, thin-mouthed smile. "Gee, thanks."

"For a price," Phoebe shot back, her mouth spilt in a wide grin that Chandler would have classified as "shit-eating" if he wasn't _such_ a gentleman.

He resisted rolling his eyes, knowing that Phoebe would definitely jack up her price if she caught him. "What's the price," he sighed wearily, reaching up to rub his hand over his mouth.

His tone seemed to startle Phoebe as her grin faded and she took in his appearance. She noted his rumpled clothes, the bags under his eyes, and the distinct slump of his shoulders. "Hey, you look like crap," she blurted out.

"Well this is just the most fun I've ever had. Remind me why we don't hang out more." He couldn't really deny her accusation; he _knew_ he looked like crap. Still wasn't fun to be reminded twice in one day.

"Come on," she said as she rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. Are you okay?" A thought suddenly occurred to her. "We haven't seen you in a few days."

"I'm fine Pheebs," he told her, his tone still bristly. "I just wanted to avoid casual insults and blackmail for a couple days, that's all."

A strange look of pity and annoyance flittered across her face. "You know that we can tell when you are using humor as a defense mechanism."

He couldn't think of what to say to that, painfully, true statement; so he simply glared at her. Phoebe held his gaze though until Chandler felt a warm flush of embarrassment on the back of his neck. He was the first to look away, glancing down sheepishly at the floor. "What's your price, Pheebs?" He asked quietly. "I'm actually pretty hungry." He swung his body towards the door as he rocked on the balls of his feet, desperately wanting to escape the conversation.

Much like Joey, she seemed to take pity on him and let the conversation drop. "Let's just say you owe me a favor okay." She gave him a sweet smile and reached up to gently catch his wrist in his hand, giving it a sisterly shake. Chandler felt a sudden rush of affection for his blonde friend and was able to muster a genuine smile in return.

"Sounds good to me. Let's go get some food," he gestured for her to go in as he mentally prepared himself to see Monica.

Luck, or something like it, was on his side though; because as he entered apartment 20 he was greeted by an unusually manic Ross and an unusually unsympathetic Joey alone in the kitchen. No Monica in sight.

"Abandon is a really harsh word, dude! I made a choice; it's not like I meant to leave Rach alone on the plane. But it's my wife, Rachel is my wife." From his position in the doorway Chandler could see Joey comically lift his eyebrows at his words, sparking realization in the agitated Ross. "Emily! Emily is my wife." He shook his head, eyes wide. "What is that?"

Joey just nodded patronizingly as he looked to the door, finally seeing Chandler and Phoebe. "Oh good," he sighed. "Other people are here." He casted a meaningful glance over at Ross, obviously begging for rescue.

Phoebe quickly obliged Joey as she settled into the comfortable couch and angled her body towards the kitchen, where Chandler was hunkering down with a bagel. "So you still haven't heard from Emily?"

"No," Ross moaned as he turned towards the sink to pace some more. "Not since the airport." Inwardly Chandler chuckled at the fact that he couldn't out run a girl in an airport but his own melancholy kept him from drawing attention to himself with his usual repartee. Instead he focused intently on adding cream cheese to his bagel and keeping one eye on Monica's closed bedroom door, in case she suddenly emerged.

He tuned back into the conversation just in time to hear Ross turn to him and Phoebe, tentatively asking, "So neither you have spoken to Rachel have you?"

Chandler quickly shook his head while Phoebe said, "No, I think she only spoke to Monica when she called the other day." Chandler's ears perked up at the mention of Monica's name but he forced himself to remain still.

"Oh," Ross exaggeratedly craned his neck. "Where is Monica by the way?" Chandler surreptitiously glanced at Phoebe just as interested in the answer as Ross. But for obviously different reasons.

But Joey answered for Phoebe, replying with his mouth half full. "She left earlier to pick up Rachel at the airport." He swallowed around his mouthful of food.

"Did she, uh, say anything about Rachel being mad at me?" Ross pushed hesitantly. Joey and Phoebe both shook their heads, quietly muttering "no".

"Yeah but Rachel likes us, we didn't abandon her on a plane to Greece," Chandler couldn't help but tease sarcastically as the word vomit pushed its way past his mouth of its own accord. He immediately regretted his words as Ross violently turned towards him.

"I didn't abandon her! Emily was there! What was I supp-" Ross stopped mid-rant suddenly taking in Chandler's appearance, finally picking up on what his other friends have been noticing all morning. "Dude," his tone much softer and more curious, "you look like crap."

Suddenly Chandler felt three pairs of eyes on him, each gaze burning into him with warm intensity. His brows rose slightly and his eyes widened comically in fear as he recognized the corner he had been drawn into. He knew there was no way he could brush off three accusations at the same time and he floundered for a reasonable explanation for his melancholic appearance that would both be believable and wouldn't contradict anything he had already told Phoebe or Joey.

He had nothing.

Yet, he was saved from explaining himself when the door suddenly opened and Rachel smiled her way into the apartment. Chandler felt the prickling sense of anticipation ease as Rachel's loud and cheery greetings diverted all the sudden attention of his friends. As the cacophony of his friends' voices washed over him, Chandler's rapid heartbeat slowed only to have it accelerate again suddenly when a demurred Monica appeared from behind the half opened door. Her eyes immediately met his and they both froze.

* * *

AN: Sorry there isn't any Chandler/Monica interaction. The first few chapters are gonna focus on their personal mental/emotional states before anything "interpersonal" happens ;)


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